Listening Skills and Selfishness Revealed

Something that has been burdening me lately is the thought that so few people today seem to really listen to one another. And it goes beyond just hearing someone talk. I'm talking about communication and connection and showing someone you care by how you converse with them. A lot of what is going on in our hearts can be subtly revealed by how we speak to others and also, I think, how we listen to them.

There are two main hindrances to good communication that always come to my mind. They are:

*Talking way too much about oneself
*Interrupting

As the mother of a five year old, I know how incredibly frustrating it is when I am trying to talk to someone either on the phone or in person and I can barely get my words out because I am constantly interrupted by my daughter. This is something I am really trying to work on with her. I try to explain that just like we "take turns" with toys, games, and play, we also need to take turns talking. When someone else is talking, we are quiet. When that someone is done talking or what they are saying requires a response, it is our "turn," and we may speak again.

We all know how it feels when we are trying to talk or share our thoughts with someone and they continually cut us off. Interestingly, the two main hindrances I mentioned above very often seem to go hand in hand. Meaning, someone who has the bad habit of interrupting often does so in order to bring the topic back to themselves. And what I believe lies at the heart of this problem is selfishness. It may not sound good and it may offend people to say that, but I think it is true. We live in a society where a common attitude conveys the words, "It's all about ME." I do what I want to do when I want to do it. It's about pushing my agenda and saying what I want to say. If I want to talk or vent to someone, then they better just listen to what I have to say. I don't want to hear about their life or their problems or what's going on with them. I won't ask questions about them or their family or how they're doing. I just want to talk about me!

I am guilty of everything I'm talking about here just as much as anybody else, so don't think I am trying to claim perfection in this area. It is something I have noticed, though both in myself and others and something I want to work hard at improving. I know that it is hurtful when someone is not really listening to me when I talk or when they seem very wrapped up in themselves to the point of being totally disinterested in what's going on with me.

I am aware that there are circumstances where someone is going through a tragedy or having a really hard time and they really do need someone to just listen to them talk. I understand those times. I've been the person on both ends. There are times where I've been wrapped up in a crisis and just wanted someone to listen to me and I've also been the one comforting a friend going through something. My post here is not about these times.

It's about the day to day conversations we have with people and showing them we care by using good listening skills.

It can be incredibly draining to feel like you're always the person being the confidante, the one willing to listen, and not be able to share your own thoughts as well or to feel like they don't matter. I think it's about give and take. Good and healthy friendships are the ones where you can BOTH share your thoughts and feelings and you BOTH show your concern for each other.

On the flip side, I think there are some great ways we can show good listening skills and be unselfish in our conversing with others. They include things like:

*Asking questions. This shows interest and affirms that you really are listening and not just hearing someone talk while your mind wanders to other things. We all know it feels good when people show interest in our lives.

*Give a response. I've often told my husband that when I'm telling him about something, it makes me feel good when he has some sort of response. Anything. This would be saying things like, "really?" or "wow" or "that's true." (Grunts don't count) You know, things like that. This helps me to not feel like I'm talking to a wall but a real, live, breathing human being who cares about what I'm saying. :)

*Work on having a good memory. If someone has told you about something they are struggling with and you say what a lot of people say -- "I'll pray for you" -- then make sure you really do pray and that you follow up with that person later. After awhile you can let them know you've been praying and ask how things are going. Get a follow up report. This shows that you really were listening to them earlier and that you've cared enough to remember to pray and then ask about the outcome. I can't tell you how good it feels when people do that to me. When someone says to me, "Lesley, I've been thinking about what you said earlier about so-and-so and just wanted you to know I've been praying and I'm wondering how that's going?" It feels really nice!

*Make eye contact. Of course this doesn't apply to conversations on the phone but in person, I think it really makes an impact. How do we feel when we're talking to someone and they are constantly looking at everyone and everything but us? Unimportant. (There is probably an exception here and that would include the times that you are with other young moms and your eyes have to constantly keep watch on your children to keep them from injuring themselves or others. :) ) In these cases, I still think the other good listening skills "rules" apply, though.

Anyway, maybe I'm just rambling on here and all this seems really unimportant to you, but it's been on my heart and mind and I thought I'd share my thoughts with you.

I really do think that there should be a required class out there (maybe there is) for all schools and that home schools should make a point of including it in their curriculum as well that deals solely with listening and communication skills.

It's so easy to get wrapped up in ourselves and not take the time to hear what our friends and family are saying. We are rushed, hurried, busy, and trying to do it all and I think we should sometimes just slow down, pull up a chair, and listen to someone.

My prayer is that God will continue to work on me in this area and that with His help, I will squelch the selfishness that rises up in me when I've spent a long day at home with chattering little children and I just want someone to hear ME. May God give me an extra dose of patience and kindness and show me that it's still important for me to show others I care about them even when my day has been long and tiring and I have a million things on my own mind. May God help me to show others I care by listening. May He help you do the same.

"Do nothing from rivalry or conceit,
but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.
Let each of you look not only to his own interests,
but also to the interests of others."

Philippians 2:3-4